The death of Robin Williams was a shock, but more than that, it opened up some issues I didn't remember I had. My grandpa committed suicide about six years ago. I thought I had come to terms with that, but it seems there's still a lot unrepaired damage in there, mostly fear. I have spent this week feeling sad, angry and lonely and crippled, and scared. I just had thw happiest weeks of my adult life, for no apparent reason really, but now I feel utterly strenghtless. It makes this that much worse. I thopught I was getting better at controlling my emotions and focuseing on the present. This feels like the only channel to express these feelings. Somehow I haven't been able to really open up to my family or friends for years now, and my... sort of therapist moved to another job and a city so I don't have that anymore either.
And I've been making changes to the story of my dolls' characters again. It's still all just in my head, but I guess changing that now has been sort of a coping mechanism. I think it was kawaiimon who once said it's good to change our dolls because sometimes it might feel like the only thing we have control over.
Hopefully next week will be better. Even if I'm buying a Dollshe and am kind of broke because of it. For two weeks at least.